Things I wish I understood, part one (maybe)

1. Why is it that you can throw anything into a martini glass and all of a sudden you have a martini? The other day a friend was telling me that I should go visit a particular restaurant in St. Paul and get a mango martini. Since when do you use a mango to make a martini? Martinis have olives, not mangos. (Mangoes? Whatever.) A mango is not an olive. Neither is chocolate, for that matter. I love me some dark chocolate Godiva liqueur, but if you put it into a martini glass with some other stuff, it's still Godiva liqueur. It's a fancy chick drink - but please don't call it a martini.

2. Why do people use their cell phones for long conversations in public? In the interest of full disclosure, I'll admit it: I HATE talking on the phone. I hate doing it at work and I hate doing it outside of work. If you know me at all, you know that I don't return phone calls and I only check my voicemail about once every three weeks. It's nothing personal. That said, you know how there are polls that say that just about everyone is annoyed by other people's cell phone conversations?  If everyone is annoyed by it, then why does everyone do it? Here's my beef: everyone around you has no choice but to hear you. It's true that they don't have to *listen*, but your un-muffled words still enter into your neighbors' ear canals.  And really - when I'm at Target or the grocery store or on the train or whatever, I have no interest in hearing about your last gyno exam. Neither does anyone else. If it's an emergency, that's another thing entirely. But please, please, please - don't use your phone in public just because you're bored. That's why God gave us iPods. And books, for that matter.

3.  Why is it that I am a magnet for freaks? I have a part-time job in a bookstore, which is (most of the time) a lot of fun. However, the last time I was there, a guy with 2 teeth missing and a really odd gleam in his eye spent about 10 minutes telling me why I should join his trivia team. His reason boiled down to the fact that I'm a pretty girl with a nice rack. Classy. A few weeks ago, I was shelving in the travel section and asked a customer if I could help him find anything. Without missing a beat, he said "YOU might be the one I've been looking for." (I really wish I could go back and see the look on my face after he said that - it caught me *all* the way off guard.)  The guy proceeds to start a conversation with me, and all of a sudden he knows my astrological sign ("I've always wanted to be with a scorpio. Do you consider yourself much of a scorpio?") and my phone number. (Yes, I gave him both pieces of information, but I think I was still reeling from being told I was the one he was looking for. Cut me some slack.) The guy texted me every day, several times a day, for the next week and a half, until I decided to cancel our date. I have to say I canceled mostly because I was worried he would follow me home from the restaurant.

But it's not just weird men at the bookstore. Once I was at the information desk and a woman came right up to me and said, "I want to see all the books you have on divorce in Minnesota. I'm especially interested in anything you can show me about getting what rightfully belongs to the wife after the husband signs the marital property over to the mistress, spends all the savings, takes out new debt under the wife's name, and turns the children against the wife."  How does one respond to that?

And I can't forget the woman who put me on hold for a good 2 minutes. When she picked up again, I plunged in to telling her what I needed from her (a form) and where to get it (a website). I offered to walk her through the website in question to find the form she needed. She said that she couldn't go upstairs to the computer at the moment. I offered to e-mail her the form and she accepted. Then, she said that it wasn't a very good time to talk. She had been holding her dying cat when I called her. She said she put me on hold after the cat died and she had to take its body into another room. (Yes, this is a true story.) Two things about this interaction that I wish I understood: (A) Why pick up the phone when you're holding your dying cat? (B) Why resume a conversation and act as everything is normal, and then drop the bomb at the end?

But I digress.

4. Why is it that I would rather get a root canal than clean my house? I will talk to you on the phone until it's time for me to go to bed so I have an excuse not to clean. I'll clean my house when it's messy enough to bother me. I think I just have a higher tolerance for mess than most people. Call it a character flaw if you will, but I prefer to think of it as a charming idiosynchrasy.  Still, I wish I'd gotten the neat-freak gene.

5. Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't stay up late? It seems that "night people" have a lot more fun than "morning people."  How I wish I could join you.  Believe me, I've tried. The other day a co-worker, M, was telling me about a show that would have been fantastic, except it was during the week and it didn't start until 10 or 11. I get to a point in the evening - usually it's around 10:15 or so - when I can feel my thoughts begin to congeal. Shortly after that, my eylids start to droop, I start to forget what I'm doing when I walk into a room, and it's generally chaos in my head until I get into bed.  Since I'm not a night person, I choose to embrace the morning person in me. I've been called perky a time or two. I've also had my life threatened. Another co-worker, L, once told me that I was not allowed to talk to her until 10:00 a.m. or her third cup of coffee, whichever came later. Another thing I don't understand...where are all the morning people? Can't we start a colony somewhere and be all friendly and smiley and not have to feel like other people want to throw things at us?  Sigh...